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Posts from the ‘Comedy’ Category

12
Dec

Jazzi’s Acid- *4* 💥

…And why do some air fresheners smell so good in the store and then smell like ass when you spray them around your home? Truth in advertising should be a law. They shouldn’t be allowed to sell a product that smells worse than the chili-boiled egg-beer fart you chased your homies out of the room with during Sunday’s game.

The air “freshener” I tried today.. and I won’t name names, but they have an air freshener called crisp waters, and they really should have named it dirty toilet water, ass de’aroma or bracing sewage gas. It was fucking terrible! I thought the septic tank had backed up. Seriously. Now, I hate to throw out a whole can of pressurized turdscents. I prefer these cans of crap that are under pressure to be empty before I toss them in the garbage. So, I’m gonna let the evil, crisp brown waters sit on my shelf until I get the courage to take it outside and spray it away.

#smartass

🔥 If you want to follow me on social media, you can go to Facespace here,

Facebook.com/jazziryanranes

And if you wanna be a Tweep, here,

Twitter.com/jazziryanranes

WordPress
jazziryanranes.com

Love,

~©Jazzi Ryan Ranes~

20
Nov

~Autocorrect~

I finished writing Chapter 45 last night. One more chapter to go in this book. Book 2 is already trying to horn it’s way in on my concentration. But I’ll just take notes as my baes speak to my heart. Plenty of time for the second book. I actually gave up for the evening when my autocorrect started acting silly. Sometimes I’ll get to typing so fast it will just give me a string of ??? marks or random letters. But this evening, it was out to get me.

I wrote…

Time to consummate the vows.

Autocorrect goes…

Time to consolidate the cows.

😂😂😂😂😂

I just can’t compete with that.

~©Jazzi Ryan Ranes~

19
Nov

~Ketchup~

This truly is a random chunk of brain matter and I apologize ahead of time. But I just gotta know because it seems so weird to me…

Tell me something you guys. Is there a gene that comes into play, that allows normally logical, sane people to put ketchup on everything? Sure I like ketchup. On burgers, hotdogs and fries…

Not on eggs, fried potatoes, green beans, navy beans, lima beans -n- ham. Not on macaroni and cheese (omg people really? macnchez is a food group). Ketchup sandwiches. Is there something I’m missing? Not inside a grilled cheese sandwich and why are you dipping those chicken fingers in there? You can’t expect me to believe you’re not a little nuts, if I catch you putting ketchup on a tomato sandwich or a squirt on your fried green tomatoes.

I know you guys probably don’t do that to all of your food but I’ve met a couple folks and I tell you. They went through bottles of ketchup like most do rolls of toilet paper. However, they will probably live a longer, healthier life on account of the high lycopene content in tomatoes.

And while I’m on this subject, because I promise you, I won’t revisit this sidecar again…

Is this the same unidentified gene (or maybe it is known, I’ll have to look), that is responsible for a desire to have everything taste like bacon, pumpkins and honey?

~©Jazzi Ryan Ranes~

17
Nov

~Mary Jane’s Words~ (or writings by T. H. Seas)

Have you seen the names they’re giving marijuana nowadays? People name weed strains like they name racehorses. Fabulous poetic words that help to make the horse stand out amongst the others. And nine times out of ten, the name has nothing to do with the animal at all.

As the miracle plant takes hold and gains legality across our planet, branding has become all important. You want your tag to blow smoke in your customers face. You want the pot description to sound like what it does and give them a contact high. Get folks to buy Your shit, man.

*So with that temporarily in mind, here are some names my friend and I came up with while messaging our unusual, stream of consciousness thoughts back and forth one early morning. I can’t say if any of these are already out there. If they are, I don’t mean to bogart your greens. If not, they should be. And now I present, in no particular order of bleary-eyed importance…

~112 weed strains that haven’t been grown yet.~

1. I See Pizzas
2. Four Eyes
3. Cooked Pasta
4. Netflux
5. Brain Food
6. Did I Just Eat That
7. Glass Eyes
8. Three Days Later
9. Apocalypse Now
10. The Pizza Made Me Do It
11. Stupid Grin
12. Cookie Monster
13. Nine Lives
14. Reincarnation
15. Haunted Haze
16. Good N Plenty
17. Goodie Two Shoes
18. Mary’s Lost Baggie
19. Mary Jane’s Happy Dance
20. Mary Jane’s Cupboard
21. Mother Nature
22. Pass The Chips
23. Stale Potato Chips
24. The Dog Ate My Stash
25. Couch Lock
26. High Way
27. Meteorite
28. Grandpa’s Cane
29. Popcorn
30. The Game Of Stones
31. Roasted
32. Flower Child
33. High Sight Is 20/20
34. Double Vision
35. I Can’t Find My Face
36. I Can’t Feel My Ass
37. Lazy Boy
38. Floating Weeds
39. Short-Term Memory Loss
40. Baked Beans
41. Ghost Candy
42. This Bowls For You
43. My Joints Are Stiff
44. Love
45. Windows 3000
46. Caroline’s Window Box
47. Lawn Grass
48. Bogart’s Revenge
49. Silly Putty
50. Fried Brain Sandwiches
51. Don’t Eat The Koolaid
52. Winter Frost
53. Garden Weeds
54. Fantasy Island
55. Pinned To The Wall
56. Floppy French Fries
57. Vacation Days
58. Dry Mouth
59. Stones
60. Best Buds
61. Wilted Flowers
62. The Hills Have Highs
63. Greener Pastures
64. Mount Rush More
65. Rainbow Smoke
66. You Are Here
67. Lazy 420
68. Space Trees
69. Healthy Greens
70. Too Stoned To Text
71. X-Ray Vision
72. Heavy Eyelids
73. Are We There Yet
74. Red Eyed Beast
75. The Blunt Truth
76. Autumn Leaves
77. Stonewall Jackson
78. Harvey Wallbanger
79. Cream Puffs
80. Red Sunset
81. Blank TV Screen
82. Supernatural
83. Green Pieces
84. Contact High
85. Buzz Bunny
86. Comic Relief
87. Where The Fuck Am I
88. Time Traveler
89. Wild Fire
90. *Buzzy Bee*
91. Too High To Blink
92. Catnip Acres
93. Black Panther Kitties
94. Pot Of Gold
95. Cross-Eyed Pink Dragons
96. Puffy McPufferson
97. Dreamsicles
98. Fishing For Kitties
99. *T. H. Seas*
100. Party Plants
101. Three Days In The Joint
102. Laughing Grass
103. Afraid To Go To The Mailbox
104. Where Did I Put The Remote
105. Is This Sandwich Still Good
106. Spooky Action At A Distance
107. I Forgot What I Was Going To Say
108. Rolled Too Tight
109. Buzz Buddies
110. Happy Trees
111. Dome Baggie
112. All Fucked Up & No Place To Go

*A couple of those might be better suited to edibles…

Make of that what you will, but hey man… Name the stuff and let the stoners figure out what it means. A week later.

*Don’t steal our shit, man. We don’t have a stash.

~…a long time coming so don’t harsh the buzz.~

~…a little bit of experience and a whole lot of burning imagination.~

Disclaimer:
*All material copy written in a cloud of smoke.
*Original comedy routine, based on this random foggy brain matter, coming soon to a blank computer screen near you. Stay untuned for a YouTube video early 3019…er 2019. Whatever.

© Jazzi Ryan Ranes 2018
© Joe Jones 2018

© Joe In The Dark (the teddy bear with teeth) 2018
© T. H. Seas 2018
© Buzzy Bee Productions 2018

~All rights reserved.~

16
Nov

Jazzi’s Acid – *3* 💥

You: I’m not someone you should put on speakerphone.

Me: I’m not someone you should put on the phone at all.

💥
*unfriended*

#smartass

🔥 If you want to follow me on social media, you can go to facespace here,

Facebook

And if you wanna be a tweep, here,

Twitter

Website…
WordPress

Love,

~©Jazzi Ryan Ranes~

11
Nov

~How To Handle A Pizza~

I am so glad they put this on the bottom of the box where I couldn’t see it. I wasn’t sure how I was gonna get this pizza out of the pizza shop.

©Jazzi Ryan Ranes

7
Nov

~Super Hilarious Gravestones: Alonzo Lerone Videos~

Okay. I’m sorry but I just found this way too hilarious not to share. Your welcome.

This a short sample…

😊😀😁

Here is the longer and even funnier routine.

😂😂😂

~©Jazzi Ryan Ranes~

7
Nov

~Random Brainless Thoughts: Warning Labels~

Warning labels have never impressed me. People tend to act stupid and they can’t even read, or don’t want to. Sometimes they head so far up they ass they can see their own belly button. From the inside. Some people collect *Darwin Awards like I collect words.

I mean tide pods, dude. Do you really have to tell people not to eat those? And to keep them out of your kids reach? What ever happened to Mr. Yuk stickers? Get some, use them, and teach yer brats what they mean. Keep your kids away from your guns, drugs and sex life, people.

I saw a label on an iron packaging box, and I shit you not, it said, Do not iron clothing while wearing them. True story. …Danger. Do not hold the wrong end of chainsaw. Okay, I’ll keep that in mind.

And this one here… Do Not Swallow. …on the label of a hanger from a dry cleaner. You can swallow a hanger? I learn something new every day. Scariest part of this story? Somebody did this shit or there wouldn’t be a label. You got an extra *Darwin Award laying around?

Do we really need a label on that plastic packaging bag telling us NOT to put it over our head and suffocate to death? If you’re letting your kids play with stuff that needs a warning label, then you’re part of the problem.

How about this. “This product rolls when used.”…on a package of marbles. I’ll remember that the next time my square marbles start to roll away. I saw an egg carton that informed me there were eggs inside. I’m glad you told me that because I wasn’t sure what I was getting.

This is a good one. Product will be hot after cooking. You know, I’m thinking you may be right. A plastic bottle of soda with a bright red label that said, Warning – Drink then swallow. Swallowing is a reflex you dumb motherfu…. I thought I would chew mine if that’s okay.

And why do we have to have a sign that says, *Hair dryers for hair on head use only.* Well then. Or a tag that warns us not to use a hairdryer while sleeping? I’ll have to try that sometime since you said I shouldn’t. I didn’t know there were so many uses for a common hair dryer.

Maybe they should put one on boxes of bullets saying, *Too much lead is bad for your diet.*
Why don’t we take some of the labels off and let the morons sort themselves out of the gene pool? And don’t shoot the messenger…I’m just sayin’.

*https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Darwin_Awards

*https://darwinawards.com/

You have pets? Remember they can’t read. They tend to be smarter than us in many ways. They even have a label on dog’s pills that warn to “Use care when driving a car or operating dangerous machinery. Alcohol may intensify the effect”. Even so, they don’t know that antifreeze can kill them. You keep some common sense about you and you’ll save a lot of heartache.

A final tip? Just don’t use the product if you can’t read.

~©Jazzi Ryan Ranes~

6
Nov

~20 Visionaries~ Part 1

I don’t necessarily hold with all the beliefs of these seekers, not all the time and maybe even none of the time. Depends on my frame of mind and whether I’m having a good hair day or not. So I’m not endorsing or dissing anyone on my list of visionaries. But I do recognize over the top genius when I see it. Here are a few who rolled up their sleeves and left a mark on the back side of humanity.

Nikola Tesla.
Over the top genius doesn’t begin to describe this man. He invented things that would have freed humanity from many modern struggles, had he not been robbed of them and stunted from ever growing to his maximum potential. He died in poverty and sloth. He was a sharp one he was. I would’ve like to seen him have some rein.

Albert Einstein.
What list would be complete, right? Like the man above, he just needed more time.

Paul Harvey was a visionary, if you could hang out long enough to hear the rest of the story. So was Robin Williams and Bugs Bunny. Bugs was so cool he could ice you before you knew what hit you. The Tasmanian Devil ran you over with nonsensical gibberish, but you somehow knew where he was coming from.

Jim Carrey almost reached enlightenment but he was just too damned silly and he started to crash. Like poor Robin up there. Like wtf dude. Did funny hurt that bad? You comedians have it rough. Speaking of comedy genius, Carol Burnett and Tim Conway, Vicki Lawrence and Harvey Korman. If you’re too young to remember them, go to YouTube and check them out.

https://youtu.be/3qqE_WmagjY

https://youtu.be/jgmv2TayYHI

https://youtu.be/f7KpqXLxFck

Arthur Conan Doyle. Sherlock Holmes. Need I say more.

Edgar Allen Poe.
So much more than a horror story writer. Check this link for a story of a man I bet you didn’t know.

https://mdtcreative.com/2017/09/28/edgar-allan-poe-the-master-of-mystery-and-the-macabre/

Pablo Picasso.
Until just recently I didn’t think much of him but a little research and a deeper look at his art, revealed a true creative genius. The man didn’t just scribble on paper. Check this out for a bit more.

Showcase: Pablo Picasso as a child

Edvard “The Scream” Munch.

The Scream. The German title he gave these various works is Der Schrei der Natur, which means -The Scream of Nature-.

Same deal as Pablo but dark and creepy.

Marquis De Sade.
Don’t look at me like that. I can see you’re uncomfortable. Hear me out. Dude had mad erotic skills. Get back over here you, I said. Let me explain.
The Marquis De Sade had a deep profound knowledge of human sexuality, human behaviour, and the basest of all human desires. He was a lustful heathen and he did not give a good damn what anyone thought. It felt fucking good and he was gonna do it.
A couple quotes might explain why I dig his hedonistic soul.

“When she’s abandoned her moral center and teachings…when she’s cast aside her facade of propriety and lady-like demeanor…when I have so corrupted this fragile thing and brought out a writhing, mewling, bucking, wanton whore for my enjoyment and pleasure…..enticing from within this feral lioness…growling and scratching and biting…taking everything I dish out to her…..at that moment she is never more beautiful to me.”
-Marquis de Sade-

…and this.

“My manner of thinking, so you say, cannot be approved. Do you suppose I care? A poor fool indeed is he who adopts a manner of thinking for others!”
-Marquis de Sade-

…and one more.

“Either kill me or take me as I am, because I’ll be damned if I ever change.”
-Marquis de Sade-

And speaking of people who knew about sex. Dr. Ruth.

Gene Roddenberry and Stephen King mastered the term IMHO. Gene’s Star Trek worlds have come to pass in many ways and more of it has yet to be created. Inspiring? You bet your ass. Stephen King. omg do I even have to explain? Dark, horrific worlds made so excruciatingly real… What goes on in your head dark master, when you turn out the lights? What dies on the cutting room floor out of those epic stories? What monsters haunt you?

Foster Brooks. No introduction needed.

https://youtu.be/FkW35T1jQB0

~©Jazzi Ryan Ranes~

6
Nov

Jazzi’s Acid – *2* 💥

You: I’m having an elegant wine dinner with my besties.

Me: You’re having pizza and strawberry hill with your 3 dogs and 5 cats.

💥
*unfriended*

#smartass

🔥 If you want to follow me on social media, you can go to Facespace here,

Facebook

And if you wanna be a tweep, here,

Twitter

Website…

WordPress

Love,

~©Jazzi Ryan Ranes~

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